07:39 Jun 25 2012
Times Read: 877
Maybe I should clarify.
I'm not sick. Aside from a random bought of the flu over a month ago I've actually felt really healthy since having the baby. Tired, but healthy.
I'm just a mess mentally right now. I've got life stress I've been dealing with, and then I got a mind fuck at work. I have a pretty cushy job. Aside from customer service bs, and understaffing issues, my job is usually cake for me. It can be stressful, but I've worked through worse. At the company I work for now, I'm part of the emergency response team. I've dealt with several issues, most of them minor police, or minor medical problems.
Last week was a different story. I responded to a call from a room. I had a bad feeling when I was advised about it, but I can't really let that stop me from responding. When I got to the room, she wasn't breathing, or moving, her eyes were open and just staring. I'm convinced she was dead when I got there, even though she was still warm to the touch. We moved her to the floor, and one of my coworkers showed up as soon as we moved her and did cpr. I'm glad he was there, I don't think I could have done the compressions on someonethe who had already passed without having a breakdown. Even he's convinced that she was dead before we started cpr, but we had to try. After paramedics and the fire department showed up, they took over the attempt to resuscitate her and couldn't. After the fourth time they shocked her with the AED I couldn't hold back the tears, and I had to leave the room as they called her TOD. You know it's always a possibility, but you never really expect to have to deal with it. I'm still haunted by it. I'm still having unrestful sleep with shit dreams about work filling my head.
The worst part.. you would think it would be watching her body jump every time they shocked her, but it wasn't. The worst part was that horrid look on her face and her eyes wide open and bugged out staring at nothing. Every time I close my eyes, I see her dead eyes staring. I just want that to go away. Mom says it'll get better with time. I hope so.
01:07 Jun 25 2012
Times Read: 895
At least today I've been able to eat without wanting to throw up. I suppose that's a minor improvement on how things have been going.
Now if only I could stop having torturous dreams.
I want to be able to close my eyes without those dead fucking eyes staring back at me. I don't think I'm equipped to deal with this sort of thing, and I have no idea how to make it go the fuck away.
COMMENTS
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sahahria
22:49 Jun 26 2012
It will, but until it does, be kind to yourself. It is one of the hardest things for anyone to deal with.